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Fic: Iron Will: G

Title: Iron Will
Rating: G
Length: 500
Content Notes: Holmes & Watson; crack; humour; Bessie & Mrs. Hudson; a bit of Woosterism.
Summary: Holmes & Watson make New Year's resolutions. Whose will is the strongest?
Author's Note: For the monthy prompt: resolution.



“I’ve made a decision for the New Year, Holmes, a resolution.”

“You’re not shaving your moustache?!”

“Goodness, no,” Watson touched his upper lip reassuringly, “I’m stopping smoking, all use of tobacco, in fact.”

“Good Lord.”

“The air of London is sufficiently polluting, I needn’t add my own foulness to it, and perhaps, in time, I shan’t wheeze like an octogenarian asthmatic in pursuit of the many blackguards we encounter. For heath, you see.”

Holmes harrumphed.

“There are benefits, Holmes, I commend to your attention a recent monograph—“

“No doubt. My skepticism isn’t of the validity of that claim but rather at your ability to maintain your resolve.”

“I have an iron will!”

I have an iron will. You are a creature of habit.”

“Join me, then. Leave pipe and cigarettes behind.”

Holmes glanced nervously at the breakfast table, then said, “I might if I hadn’t already decided upon my own New Year’s resolution, one which will afford boons superior to those of yours.” He poked a kipper with a fork. “Henceforth, I shall be a vegetarian.”

“No!” Watson gasped. “Like the poet Shelley?”

Holmes huffed. “And many other wise persons around the world.”

“Yours is the much more difficult course, Holmes.”

“Naturally, my will is the stronger.”

“We’ll see.”
--
“Oh, Mrs. Hudson!” cried Bessie.


“I know, my dear.”

“Mister Holmes smoking like a chimney.”

“The curtains,” said Mrs. Hudson mournfully.

“Doctor Watson devouring every scrap of bird and beast he finds.”

“Mister Holmes and his poor vegetable marrows.”

“Doctor Watson, with tears in his eyes, giving away his pipe.”

“The chamber pots.”

They looked at each other and wrinkled their noses.

“I have a plan, my dear, if, well, things go—“

“I’M GOING TO MY CLUB! THIS AIR IS POISONOUS!”

“WONDERFUL! I AM OFF TO AN AFTERNOON CONCERT. A BIT OF REFINEMENT IS NEEDED AFTER BEARING WITNESS TO THAT BEASTLY DISPLAY!”

“I LIKE STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE! SAY HELLO TO THE POET SHELLEY IF YOU CAN SPARE THE BREATH!”

“OH, WAIT, YOU’VE A GREASE SPOT—EVERYWHERE!”

SLAM! SLAM!

The ladies jumped. Then Bessie sniffed.

“Oh, Mrs. Hudson, smoke!”

Their eyes met.

“The curtains.”

As they ran for the stairs, Mrs. Hudson muttered, “The camel’s back is broken, my dear.”
---
Watson opened the door.


“Well, that’s a change,” he said as he entered. “No smoke.” His eyes widened when he saw Mrs. Hudson with the gun—his gun—and Bessie with the fire poker. Both weapons were aimed at Holmes, who was hunched in his armchair, looking much like a punished schoolboy.

“You and Mister Holmes are going directly on a week’s holiday,” announced Mrs. Hudson, waving the barrel of the gun at the two trunks stacked by the door, “to a lovely seaside inn run by cousin, and you’ll sort your differences and return as gentlemen or you’ll be finding another address.”

“Claimant to the most iron will is,” grumbled Holmes, “apparent, Watson.”

They both looked at Mrs. Hudson, who only smiled and said,

“Now on you go.”

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
gardnerhill
Jan. 19th, 2017 05:36 am (UTC)
The visual image of Watson aggressively devouring a woodcock in front of a furiously-pipe-puffing Holmes is hilarious. Thank goodness Mrs. Hudson stepped in and fixed things.
okapi1895
Jan. 19th, 2017 02:12 pm (UTC)
Yes! In the battle of the New Year's resolutions, the flat itself is going to suffer the most. I am glad you liked it; this prompt was a bit more challenging than usual.
thesmallhobbit
Jan. 19th, 2017 10:01 pm (UTC)
Really there should never have been any question as to who would have the most iron will ;)

Somehow I cannot see either of the gentlemen keeping their resolution long term.
okapi1895
Jan. 19th, 2017 10:51 pm (UTC)
True. I think their enforced exile will result in a relinquishing of the resolutions.
scfrankles
Jan. 19th, 2017 11:46 pm (UTC)
I haven't eaten meat for over 30 years, Mr. Holmes... *looks smug* (^_^)

“You and Mister Holmes are going directly on a week’s holiday,” announced Mrs. Hudson, waving the barrel of the gun at the two trunks stacked by the door, “to a lovely seaside inn run by cousin, and you’ll sort your differences and return as gentlemen or you’ll be finding another address.” Oh, Mrs. Hudson - I love you so much ^___^ You've got to be cruel to be kind ^_^

And amongst many wonderful lines, a special mention for Holmes and Watson's yelled argument: “I LIKE STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE! SAY HELLO TO THE POET SHELLEY IF YOU CAN SPARE THE BREATH!” ^___^
okapi1895
Jan. 20th, 2017 12:43 am (UTC)
It's tough. I only managed it for 7 months about a hundred years ago.

Yeah, she wants them out of the house. Two sets of curtains in one week is too much.

'The poet Shelley' is a Woosterism, but in something this cracky I thought it'd be okay to mix my voices.
debriswoman
Jan. 20th, 2017 04:35 am (UTC)
It's the only sane solution, Mrs H
Interesting...resolutions as a competitive sport:-)
okapi1895
Jan. 20th, 2017 12:40 pm (UTC)
Some men will make anything a contest. Thank you!

Edited at 2017-01-20 12:44 pm (UTC)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )